If the apocalypse comes, are you ready for it? When zombies take to the streets, you won't be easily able to take a nice stroll to the shops so here is how to prepare for it.
1) OK ask yourselves this...what food supplies do I have in the home?
Make sure you have as much as you can store of long term storage goods like white rice, pasta, beans, honey, salt, MREs, Mountain House emergency #10 tins, powdered milk, sugar, freeze dried food, lentils, oats, etc coz when you try to go looting at the local shop or store, the zombies are sinking their teeth into the customers not the chocolate chip cookies! It might take a while for these undead grossbags to flake away so you will needs a few years of supplies to wait them out...
2) When zombies start chewing on and getting indigestion from public utility workers, your gas, electricity, water and sewage services are gone. Ewww! What ya gonna do?
If you are one of those camping fanatics then you probably already have something like a butane stove to make your nibbles on. Make sure you store the cannisters well coz you really don't want to end up as a human flamethrower as that look was so last year darling! Maybe you are a kind of super prepper who stores old pizza boxes to turn into solar ovens and can be relied on to have six different ideas for cooking or a big generator to power your home. If so can I come to your house instead?
Get those rain barrels set up in your garden but keep them away from any buildings. You don't want that pigeon poo and bacteria from the gutters to be dropping in to say hello! Buy in food grade storage containers and keep a supply of water stored in the house, rotating it every 6 months. Be armed with filters and water purification tablets, and boil all your drinking water.
c) WASHING YOUSELF
Water will be limited so you could invest in those solar heated camping showers. Heat it up in the sun for a few hours, test the water temperature so you don't give yourself an instant grilled bacon look and hang it up inside your shower for a nice quick washdown. Look after your hygiene by having a stock of soaps, toothpaste and other things. Just because it's the zombie apocalypse doesn't mean you should let your standards slip y'know? Nobody wants to fail that sniff test and be mistaken for Zac the Zombie!
When that sewage stops working it's gonna get nasty! You could build an outhouse in advance but are you gonna want to be sitting there sharing your previous night's curry with the world in a freezing cold garden with a zombie trying to chew on your ass? You could dig holes in the garden and cover it with lime but best to invest in a chemical toilet!
Think about how much rubbish you throw out or recycle every week or month. When the collections stop, what are you going to do with it? Containers and tins can be used for storage, and you need to try and reuse whatever you can. If you are in an area away from prying eyes with lots of land you could bury the excess rubbish and feed any food waste to your animals but the ordinary house will struggle and you might find yourself running the zombie gauntlet trying to sneak out the house to get rid of it. There will be an increase in rodents so make sure you mouse proof your home to stop the blighters getting in to snack on your peanut supply.
Your biggest issue is going to be staying quiet and out of sight and not letting the undead know you are around so they stagger on by.
a) close windows and curtains and have blackout curtains to stop the zombies seeing or hearing you, and it keeps cooking smells inside to stop biker gangs, rapists and zombies from invading your curry night!
b) use wooden boards and iron bars to impede the progress of any zombie that gets near your windows, and protect those patio doors! Zombie peeping toms will soon be pressing up against the glass if they catch sight of you and these party dudes will invite all their friends!
c) chain your gates shut, ensure strong fences or thick hedges secure your boundary. If they can't enter your property from the street, your home will be safer and they will shuffle off to eat your neighbour instead.
d) do you have tools that don't need electricity? No point having a chainsaw that would scare Leatherface himself if there is no power for it! And hand cranked tools are quieter to cut down on any noise to advertise your tasty existance.
Sadly in the UK we are not permitted to have an AR-15 to blast the buggers in the head and you don't want to attract that kind of attention anyway, so go for the silent weapons instead.
a) machete-I haven't tested the theory of trying to buy one of these yet but if you have arms of steel and lots of muscles, you could take down a few undead with this.
b) flamethrower-nothing attracts the attention of the biting masses like having their limbs set alight. Don't use it near your vegetable patch though..flaming carrots help nobody!
c) samurai sword or similar-smuggle these back through customs from Spain at your peril and the risk of the rubber glove search, or try to buy at a specialist store and hope the police aren't raiding it at the time.
d) long handled loppers-this holds the zombie at a safe distance when you stab them with it while your more suggestible and expendable friend destroys the brain from behind.
e) steel baseball bats-cave dem heads in! I don't think my wooden Greetings from Benidorm one is really going to get the job done...nice palm tree design though.
So are you prepared for the zombie apocalypse?